Post by Thee BOB JAMES on Apr 11, 2007 11:54:59 GMT -5
History Lesson - Liberals and Conservatives
> As the Presidential debates heat up, it may be helpful to review a few
> facts:
> Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
> hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
> summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the
> winter.
> The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
> beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man
> to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and
> together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
> distinct subgroups:
> 1. Liberals; and
> 2. Conservatives.
> Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning
> of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were
> invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting
> for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's
> how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and
> killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer.
> This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
> Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live
> off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing
> the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
> Liberal movement.
> Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
> became known as riflemen.
> Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of
> cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of
> Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
> conservatives provided.
> Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
> most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
> symbolized by the jackass.
> Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
> white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
> beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal
> fare.
> Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
> higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
> personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and
> group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter
> rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
> Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide
> for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
> lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
> officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally
> anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire
> other conservatives who want to work for a living.
> Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers
> and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans
> are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
> remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They
> crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of
> trying to get more for nothing.
> Here ends today's lesson in political history: It should be noted that
> a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above
> before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so
> convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be
> forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals
> just to tick them off.
author anonymous, but still right on
> As the Presidential debates heat up, it may be helpful to review a few
> facts:
> Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
> hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
> summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the
> winter.
> The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
> beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man
> to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and
> together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
> distinct subgroups:
> 1. Liberals; and
> 2. Conservatives.
> Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning
> of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were
> invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting
> for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's
> how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and
> killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer.
> This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
> Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live
> off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing
> the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
> Liberal movement.
> Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
> became known as riflemen.
> Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of
> cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of
> Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
> conservatives provided.
> Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
> most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
> symbolized by the jackass.
> Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
> white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
> beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal
> fare.
> Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
> higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
> personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and
> group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter
> rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
> Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide
> for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
> lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
> officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally
> anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire
> other conservatives who want to work for a living.
> Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers
> and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans
> are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
> remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They
> crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of
> trying to get more for nothing.
> Here ends today's lesson in political history: It should be noted that
> a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above
> before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so
> convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be
> forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals
> just to tick them off.
author anonymous, but still right on